Reflection and Expectation

I’m sitting here tonight just pondering. Yesterday was Palm Sunday, Easter is in less than a week, and my baby boy is going to be three! How is that even possible? How can time go by so fast? Yesterday, after lunch my sweet Raylen asked if he could lay with me. I said yes, of course. He said, “Mama, I lay on your side?” Meaning snuggle as close as humanly possible. As he drifted off to sleep, my eyes filled with tears as I remembered not that long ago how easily he fit on my chest. I remember his first days as we snuggled in the hospital waiting til we could go home. He was so tiny, yet filled every part of me. He made me a mom and I will always be thankful for that.

In these almost three years, our lives have changed so very much. I think back to the final days before Raylen was born and we stayed up late watching TV, packed our hospital bags and I slept til noon. Now, we are up sometimes before 6, we rarely make it past 10 and the only bags we pack are diaper bags.

We’ve had three babies in three years. I never thought I would say that. I never thought I would live it! My heart is filled with awe and gratitude for how the Lord has blessed our little family. How He has changed me. This week is going to be busy, filled with outings and meal prepping and church practices, but I want to make sure to take time and express my gratefulness to the Lord. I think it is pretty special that Raylen gets to share his birthday with Easter this year. It is a double celebration and a wonderful reminder for my heart this year to thank God for His abundant blessing on my life.

In a season when I am struggling so desperately with wanting another child, God is reminding me of His immense love for me. He has wonderful and good plans for my life and the lives of my children, even those I have yet to meet. He is working on me and I want to trust and wait on Him with grateful expectation.

This season of Easter is often overlooked for bunnies, and eggs, and candy. I have been guilty with all the rest, but this year, God has gripped my heart and is drawing me near to Him. He is reminding me to have a heart of gratitude, to be patient with His timing and to pause and reflect on all I have to be thankful for. So, I’ll kiss my boys when I put the to bed tonight and remind them how precious they are to me. I’ll tell them that Jesus loves them and one day they will understand just how big that love really is.

A Work in Progress

Hey there! It's been a while since I've written a post like this, but one of my goals with this blog is to share how God is working in my life and to hopefully be an encouragement to my fellow moms and women in Christ. So, today I want to share with you something God has been teaching me. God is showing me what it really means to find my value and identity in Him, rather than in what others think of me or how useful I feel. Unfortunately, I am a very stubborn person and, like most, struggle with pride. So I've been learning this the slow way.

For those who don't know me well, let me give you some back story. I grew up in a wonderful Christian home and we were at church pretty much anytime the doors were open. We went to service, Sunday School, youth group, we were in band, kids choir, adult choir, young singles, all the things. From the time I started in middle school through high school, I served in the little kids ministry along side adult teachers. As soon as I graduated high school, I became a paid worker in the church nursery. I was always at church. It was my life. All my friends were there. I even met my husband there. But, over the years, I struggled with finding my worth in the activities or my involvement in my church. Now, don't get me wrong, it is vital to the Christian life to be a part of the body. You need to be a part of a local church. Hebrews 10: 25 tells us it is important to meet together and encourage one another. But your experience with God doesn't begin and end within the confines of your local body of believers. He isn't just a Sunday morning and Wednesday night God. He desires a 24/7, all the time, forever relationship with HIM. For me, it was difficult as a young adult to separate those two experiences. Yes, I needed to be involved in my church, not out of obligation, but as an act of loving service to my Savior, but more importantly, I needed to grow in my relationship with Him.

As I said, I grew up in church and when I was seven, I surrendered my heart to Jesus, inasmuch as I understood at that age. I was baptized and grew up believing I was saved. There were times in my teenage years and even through college that I saw God working in my life and felt his presence, but not everything in my heart was truly surrendered to Him. I still held onto things that I refused to give Him Lordship over. These included, my kids and my time. Last October (2017) I finally surrendered those things and was overwhelmed by a peace that my God was so far above all the fears that made me hold onto all the little bits. I can't tell you when my 'moment' of salvation was, if it was really when I was seven or last year at the age of 25, with my three sweet children close by. What I do know is that I have a peace, that exceeds my understanding, that I am a born again child of the most high God, and that is what really matters.

After this re-dedication, I got baptized again. This was somewhat of an unnerving feeling for me. Having grown up in the same church, almost everyone there knows me. They know that I have grown up in a Christian home and I'm sure most of them assumed I was saved. I struggled for the longest time with settling my salvation precisely for this reason. What would they think? I will look like such a hypocrite. They will treat me different. But, do you know, all I received was love and joy from my fellow believers. They were thrilled that I finally settled in my heart once and for all that Jesus was my Lord. There was no judgment, there were no weird looks. And if there were, I never noticed them. I had settled this issue that I had struggle with for years and was just at peace.

Fast forward a year and bit later and God is working on me in other areas. He is showing me to whom my reverence should be directed and where my worth comes from. In my sin, I was homeless and hopeless. As a child of God, I know who I am and how much I mean to my Lord, I have an eternal home waiting for me and that gives me great hope. Did you know that the Bible says we are co-inheritors with Christ? What an amazing reality! Not only did God send His son to die on the cross as the propitiation (atonement, payment, exchange) for my sin, but He invites me to be a co-heir with Jesus! That is how much He values and loves me! Becoming a mom has brought me to a greater understanding of just what God did when He sent Jesus to die for our sins. I love my kids, more than I could ever put into words, and there is not a single person I can think of that I would willingly trade the life of my child for. But, God traded the life of His child for every person that would ever live. Every person, who rebelled and will rebel against Him. Whether they accept His gift of salvation or not, God still sacrificed His son so that we could spend eternity with Him. Now, let's get something straight. There is a thought that goes around the less doctrine-ly sound churches that says "you were worth dying for." Let me tell you right now, that while God loves you and desires a relationship with you, He didn't need you to be worthy enough. You couldn't earn His love and none of us deserves His love, but no one can lose His love. NO MATTER WHAT. All that being said, without coming to a realization of your sin and need for a Savior, repenting and allowing Jesus to be Lord of your life, you WILL be separated from God for eternity.

It was the uncertainty of who really had lordship in my life that made me question my salvation. It is the certainty the Jesus is my Lord that now drives me to live more like Him. In my thoughts and actions, not just on the outside but on the inside. This refining, or fine tuning, will be a lifelong process as God molds me like the clay Isaiah talks about. Right now, in this season, that fine tuning is about seeing my value in Him. Understanding that Jesus lives in my heart, and I can trust the promises I read in His word. Did you know that God knew you even before you were born? (Psalm 193:13-16) He knew everything about you from the beginning of time. He loves you and desires for you to know Him. Beyond just knowing us, the Bible tells us that God loved us even while we were sinners, when we were in complete rebellion. (Romans 5:8) There is nothing I can do to earn salvation and there is nothing I can do to lose it once I've been redeem. (Titus 3:4-7) What an amazing and hope-filled promise! I look forward to all the times I get to share this with my children and I pray one day, they come to the same place of repentance. Until then, we are all just a work in progress.

Pray Without Ceasing

The past few weeks have been incredibly filled. We have been busy! Even if I was just playing with my boys, my mind has been filled with thoughts and prayers that have kept me from writing a lot. But, I want to share what God has been teaching me! As a stay at home mom of three little monsters, I rarely get time to sit and read in the quiet, so any reading I do is amid chaos or is in the small hours. Since sleep is more important to me in this season, you can guess how it took me a month to finish the first "for fun" novel I've read since high school. Besides that, I have been trying to make more time to not just read, but truly study my Bible. One thing that has helped with that is making notes for Podcast Club. The last week of April, I hosted my first Podcast Club for the God Centered Mom podcast. Each week's recording is about 45 minutes to an hour long and is jam packed with encouragement and practical tips for living a God-centered life. As I've prepared for these, I have dug into God's word to see what He has to say about issues like fear, anger, intentional prayer, and trusting His Word. Through these studies, the Lords has shown me the power of prayer, humility, having compassion, and what it means to be a friend.

Probably the biggest lesson God is teaching me right now is about prayer. Not just what it means to pray, but why I should pray and how. Growing up in church, I have heard the phrase "I'll be praying for you" so many times. And, while most of us have the best of intentions when we say this, how often do we forget or just say it because it seems to be the right thing to say? In my case, it has been far too often. The Holy Spirit has impressed on my heart that it is time for that to change. Lately, God has afforded many opportunities for me to put this new desire in to practice, and it has been life changing! I never considered my self a prayer warrior, or even 'the gal that cooks the food for the warriors' kind of 'pray'er. The image in my mind of a prayer warrior is someone who sits quietly for hours on end with their Bible open and their head bowed pouring over names and requests. They also have a beautiful prayer journal with dates and columns that show when the prayers were answered. Then there's my life. I don't think I have 5 minutes of uninterrupted time where I could sit in the quiet with my head bowed, unless I'm sleeping! (LOL) But, who says being a prayer warrior means praying sitting down with no distractions? Who says I can't intercede while folding laundry, doing the dishes, making dinner, going for a walk, or playing with my kids? In this season, my prayers are said in the car, while I'm cleaning up toys, in the shower, and as I'm laying my head down for bed. These prayers can be just as effective as the sweet old lady sitting quietly in her living room.

The key to making these prayers effective, is to be intentional. God doesn't require that we make eloquent long speeches. Honestly, I don't think He isn't even impressed by them. In Matthew 6:9-13, Jesus talked to the crowd about this when He modeled prayer for them. He accused the religious leaders of muttering vain repetitions void of any conviction. Intentionally talking to God was not a new concept, but apparently those guys missed it in their Old Testament classes. Throughout the Bible we see that God gives grace to the humble, be resists the proud. Here are just a few examples:

Psalm 138:6 For though the LORD is exalted, Yet He regards the lowly, But the haughty He knows from afar.

Proverbs 3:34 Toward the scorners he is scornful, but to the humble he gives favor.

James 4:6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Psalm 31:23 O love the LORD, all you His godly ones! The LORD preserves the faithful And fully recompenses the proud doer.

Luke 1:51 "He has done mighty deeds with His arm; He has scattered those who were proud in the thoughts of their heart.

Get the point? OK, so I shouldn't pray without conviction and I need to pray with humility. I don't have to make beautiful and elaborate speeches. Nor do I have to beg and scrape for entrance to His presence. Because of Jesus, we can boldly approach the throne. Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." And Ephesians 3:12 reminds that through Jesus "we have boldness and access with confidence." Probably my favorite passage when reading about this is:

Hebrews 10:19-22 Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

How cool! Not only can we approach the throne of God, but we can do so in an intimate way. The Greek word for "draw near" seems to mean something like to approach without restraint. The same word προσέρχομαι (proserchomai) is used in Matthew 9:28 when the woman who had a blood disease reached out to touch Jesus' robe, as well as any time the disciples approached Him, or when Jesus spoke to the multitudes. It is used when Judas approached Jesus in the garden and when the angels came from Heaven to roll the stone away from the tomb. There is a certain sense of informality about this word. Yet, it is a powerful word. It means we can fearlessly speak to God without reservation because of Jesus.

Old Testament priests could only enter the Holy of Holies (the inner most part of the temple where the shekinah glory of God dwelt) once a year. They could only enter after undergoing a series of cleanses and after adorning very specific priestly clothes as instructed in Exodus 28.** How amazing is the opportunity we have to approach the throne through prayer? Unlike the priests, we don't have to wait til our one time a year, we have 24/7 access. While we don't have to layer on specific priestly garments, we put on an attitude of humility and "come into his presence with thanksgiving." (Psalm 95:2; Psalm 100:4) We should approach the throne with all the reverence the God of the universe is due, but we also have the freedom to boldly approach because of what Christ did on the cross. Jesus is the Great High Priest who has covered us with His blood once and for all. It is through Him and Him alone that we approach the Father. (John 14:6)

(**For more info on this process and how Christ redeemed and fulfilled this particular practice, check out Hebrews 9. It is pretty cool!)

Recap so far, my prayers must be intentional, they should be full of conviction, brought in humility and boldness. The last thing that God has shown me about prayer is how much of necessity it is in this Christian life. Now before you get in a huff, God can and does allow things to happen even if we don't pray for them, but He wants us to communicate with Him. Not only is the act of prayer mentioned countless times in scriptures, Jesus specifically instructed his disciples on how to pray and led by example. (Perhaps the most memorable time Jesus prayed was in the garden of Gethsemane right before his betrayal and arrest.) Check out what the Bible has to say about prayer:

Ephesians 6:18 "Praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,"

1 John 5:14-15 And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.

1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!

2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.

James 5:13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received[a] it, and it will be yours.

Matthew 5:44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Matthew 26:41 Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Psalm 17:6 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words.

Luke 11:1-4 Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.” And he said to them, “When you pray, say: “Father, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread, and forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation.”

Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Pay attention Yall! This stuff is important! As a Mom, I understand that it is hard to find time to sit down and devote to praying in the quiet, but that's not the only way you can pray. I have found myself praying in places I never imagined and in ways I never thought I would. This month, I have prayed while doing chores, during Sunday service when the Lord puts someone or something on my heart, while teaching kids on Wednesday night, at a beach memorial service, driving down the road, while walking through the grocery store, out loud, in my head, with my eyes open, with my head bowed. Guess what? Did you notice this about any of those verses? Never once is posture mentioned. In fact, I had to go back and look and make sure. I found some great info on a website that I will link here on the postures of prayer. The overall theme is that the outward posture means nothing without the proper posturing of the heart. That is what God has been teaching me this month. It doesn't so much matter how I look when I pray or where I'm at, but how my heart is positioned.

I hope yall enjoy digging deeper into what God has for us in His Word. I have certainly enjoyed studying this past month. One book in particular that I have found helpful this month in reading about prayer is Jodie Berndt's book, Praying the Scriptures for Your Children. She has a couple of others and I mention them with links in this post.

Other resources that I love to use when studying are the Blue Letter Bible app or website. There are an endless amount of resources on this site and I use it on a daily basis in my Bible study time.

I can't wait to hear what God has been teaching you this month! Happy Studying!

God Bless,

Shani