Hey there! It's been a while since I've written a post like this, but one of my goals with this blog is to share how God is working in my life and to hopefully be an encouragement to my fellow moms and women in Christ. So, today I want to share with you something God has been teaching me. God is showing me what it really means to find my value and identity in Him, rather than in what others think of me or how useful I feel. Unfortunately, I am a very stubborn person and, like most, struggle with pride. So I've been learning this the slow way.
For those who don't know me well, let me give you some back story. I grew up in a wonderful Christian home and we were at church pretty much anytime the doors were open. We went to service, Sunday School, youth group, we were in band, kids choir, adult choir, young singles, all the things. From the time I started in middle school through high school, I served in the little kids ministry along side adult teachers. As soon as I graduated high school, I became a paid worker in the church nursery. I was always at church. It was my life. All my friends were there. I even met my husband there. But, over the years, I struggled with finding my worth in the activities or my involvement in my church. Now, don't get me wrong, it is vital to the Christian life to be a part of the body. You need to be a part of a local church. Hebrews 10: 25 tells us it is important to meet together and encourage one another. But your experience with God doesn't begin and end within the confines of your local body of believers. He isn't just a Sunday morning and Wednesday night God. He desires a 24/7, all the time, forever relationship with HIM. For me, it was difficult as a young adult to separate those two experiences. Yes, I needed to be involved in my church, not out of obligation, but as an act of loving service to my Savior, but more importantly, I needed to grow in my relationship with Him.
As I said, I grew up in church and when I was seven, I surrendered my heart to Jesus, inasmuch as I understood at that age. I was baptized and grew up believing I was saved. There were times in my teenage years and even through college that I saw God working in my life and felt his presence, but not everything in my heart was truly surrendered to Him. I still held onto things that I refused to give Him Lordship over. These included, my kids and my time. Last October (2017) I finally surrendered those things and was overwhelmed by a peace that my God was so far above all the fears that made me hold onto all the little bits. I can't tell you when my 'moment' of salvation was, if it was really when I was seven or last year at the age of 25, with my three sweet children close by. What I do know is that I have a peace, that exceeds my understanding, that I am a born again child of the most high God, and that is what really matters.
After this re-dedication, I got baptized again. This was somewhat of an unnerving feeling for me. Having grown up in the same church, almost everyone there knows me. They know that I have grown up in a Christian home and I'm sure most of them assumed I was saved. I struggled for the longest time with settling my salvation precisely for this reason. What would they think? I will look like such a hypocrite. They will treat me different. But, do you know, all I received was love and joy from my fellow believers. They were thrilled that I finally settled in my heart once and for all that Jesus was my Lord. There was no judgment, there were no weird looks. And if there were, I never noticed them. I had settled this issue that I had struggle with for years and was just at peace.
Fast forward a year and bit later and God is working on me in other areas. He is showing me to whom my reverence should be directed and where my worth comes from. In my sin, I was homeless and hopeless. As a child of God, I know who I am and how much I mean to my Lord, I have an eternal home waiting for me and that gives me great hope. Did you know that the Bible says we are co-inheritors with Christ? What an amazing reality! Not only did God send His son to die on the cross as the propitiation (atonement, payment, exchange) for my sin, but He invites me to be a co-heir with Jesus! That is how much He values and loves me! Becoming a mom has brought me to a greater understanding of just what God did when He sent Jesus to die for our sins. I love my kids, more than I could ever put into words, and there is not a single person I can think of that I would willingly trade the life of my child for. But, God traded the life of His child for every person that would ever live. Every person, who rebelled and will rebel against Him. Whether they accept His gift of salvation or not, God still sacrificed His son so that we could spend eternity with Him. Now, let's get something straight. There is a thought that goes around the less doctrine-ly sound churches that says "you were worth dying for." Let me tell you right now, that while God loves you and desires a relationship with you, He didn't need you to be worthy enough. You couldn't earn His love and none of us deserves His love, but no one can lose His love. NO MATTER WHAT. All that being said, without coming to a realization of your sin and need for a Savior, repenting and allowing Jesus to be Lord of your life, you WILL be separated from God for eternity.
It was the uncertainty of who really had lordship in my life that made me question my salvation. It is the certainty the Jesus is my Lord that now drives me to live more like Him. In my thoughts and actions, not just on the outside but on the inside. This refining, or fine tuning, will be a lifelong process as God molds me like the clay Isaiah talks about. Right now, in this season, that fine tuning is about seeing my value in Him. Understanding that Jesus lives in my heart, and I can trust the promises I read in His word. Did you know that God knew you even before you were born? (Psalm 193:13-16) He knew everything about you from the beginning of time. He loves you and desires for you to know Him. Beyond just knowing us, the Bible tells us that God loved us even while we were sinners, when we were in complete rebellion. (Romans 5:8) There is nothing I can do to earn salvation and there is nothing I can do to lose it once I've been redeem. (Titus 3:4-7) What an amazing and hope-filled promise! I look forward to all the times I get to share this with my children and I pray one day, they come to the same place of repentance. Until then, we are all just a work in progress.